My Newest Diabetic Project

Funny thing just occurred to me. This summer I have traveled to Europe, and Africa. I have been to two sleep away camps, and have hardly seen my family and friends all summer. Yet, my hardest adventure yet, is one I am currently exploring. Field hockey preseason.
I started preseason yesterday. I had been to the store the day before and had purchased all of my equipment. It's been at least a year since I last participated in a "team" sport, where each player depends on all the others to win the game. But I've had my fair share of local soccer teams and what not, so I figured I can do this. What I was expecting was a friendly coach who goes easy on the freshman. I mean, we are coming into a new school, where the student body has nearly doubled, and the classes are harder, and the homework increases and what not. I figured she would be all lovey dovey, since in soccer "career" all the coaches were like that. I expected that the freshman would be separated right away and taught how to actually use a field hockey stick and not make a fool of ourselves. That is not what happened. The coach is just like all the coaches you might see on tv. A coach who takes the game seriously, as well as the fitness of her players, which was clear within the first five minutes of the first practice. She stated right off, that there would be consequences if anyone were to forget any piece of equipment, at a game, and at practice. She also said that the sharing of uniforms would not be tolerated if yours were to be lost, and she especially mentioned that there should be minimal help and/or involvement of the parental units. She claims that we are grown up now, and therefor should not be treated like middle schoolers, in other words, babies. I caught myself before I let out a giant gulp and let my mouth hang open like in a cartoon. "This woman is high school." I thought to myself. I need to up my game. So of course that meant within the first hour of the two and a half hour practice, I was sitting on the bench, waiting for my blood sugar to figure out it's messed up problems. I was not waiting for my blood sugar to rise however, I was waiting for it to drop. One thing that I learned while being at both of the diabetes sleep away camps I attended this summer, was that if your blood sugar was above 250, and you feel like you're going to puke, that probably means you ketones, or acid in your blood. So I was somewhere around 390, and was feeling like I had just been hit in the stomach with a baseball that had been traveling at full speed. So I decided to sit out. I told my coach I only needed about 20 minutes, I couldn't be looking like the weak link on the first day, during first practice.
So I waited 20 minutes, and rechecked my blood sugar. Great news, I was 380. Well, in my head I was thinking of shouting some pretty nasty things, but decided against it. Don't want to be known as the weak link, and the potty mouth. So I continued to sit. I sat, and I drank some water. Then I drank some more. And some more, until the next time I lifted the water bottle to my lips, it was empty. So I tested again. 365. Ok, I could deal with that. It was coming down, slowly but surely. Just to ensure that my blood sugar was indeed coming down I took some more insulin so that in total I had taken about 15 units. Then I sat for another ten minutes. I started to feel worse. So I checked again. 345. Well by that time I was, shall we say, pissed off. So I waited ten more minutes and rechecked. 370. Now I was at the point, where there was about ten minutes left in practice and I was in no shape to play. So I sat there on the bench, and tried not to throw up all over everyone's things.
That night, I went back to practice, this time with my blood sugars within range. I ran a mile in 8minutes 9 seconds, and was feeling pretty good. Until, of course I got home and went to babysit. Now my blood sugars were dropping like a rock. So I took the only treatment I had with me, a packet of Gu. Gu, is literally goo. There is no other way to describe it. So now I had this weird taste in my mouth, and I still felt low. 20 minutes later I checked and I was 190. What the frenchtoast, in the absence of a better word.
Now it's a new day. My legs currently will not move due to muscle soarness of the highest level, and my eyes really will not stay open due to exhaustion. And yet I was able to pull myself of bed and somehow get through a good hour and a half of field hockey practice. Notice I didn't say 2 hours because again my wonderful pancreas decided to not work this morning just as it has every morning for the past seven years.
Did I have these problems in Europe? No. Did I have them in Africa? No. Did I have them at either of the two sleep away camps? Nope. Am I having them while being at home and going to school every morning to play field hockey at 7am? Why, yes, as a matter fact, I am having diabetic problems in that last scenario.
So my newest project in the diabetes department, is not to learn to live with it, or to connect with it on some psychological level, and not even to try and wrack my brain for the carbs to a frozen yogurt, my computer would gladly help me with that one. No. My newest project is to make my numbers perfect from 7:30 to 9:30 am, and from 4:00 to 6:00pm. Can you guess what I have then?

Wonderful

Everyone has those moments when they want to be a superhero. I know I've had plenty. That moment when you feel like you want to put on your cape and mask and conquer the world, but no one knows it's you whose doing it. And, especially, (I'm almost positive that everyone has those moments) when if they don't want to be a superhero, they at least want to be able to look great in a superhero suit. I've had all of these moments. Several times. And sometimes I get tired. So tired of wanting to be something I'm not. I know that personally, I won't every look like Wonder Woman. I won't ever have her strength or confidence. But frankly, reader, if I am ever as strong as Wonder Woman, or if I ever look like her, I give you permission to be worried because thats not me. If I were to choose between being healthy or looking like Wonder Woman, I would choose to be healthy, and I am working my butt off to be healthy and to feel like Wonder Woman if not look like her. Growing up I have been exposed to so many different awesome things. I've travelled to Europe, Mexico, the Dominican Republic, the Carribean, and soon, I will have travelled to Africa. I've read hundreds of books, seen hundreds of great movies and plays. I have participated in many sports, and have written many stories. I've received high honors in school (all A's) and I've met so many great people and grown up in a family that has supported me, loved me, been angry, annoyed and frustrated with me. A family that has stuck close to one another and a family that has always been there for each other. My life is full of joy, and full of sadness. Full of health and full of not-so-much health. Full of smart moments, and God knows full of dumb moments that I wouldn't trade in for the world. My life is full to the brim. Heck, my life has exceeded the brim and overflowed many times over. The point is that I don't need to look like Wonder Woman to be happy, no one does. If you do look like Wonder Woman, I envy you and congratulations, that is very impressive. But not me. I will be impressive in other ways. I will impress people when I perform my flute. When I smile. When I wake up at 7am on marathon day to start my relay team in running a 26.2 mile marathon(of course, I will only be running 3.1 miles but it's going to feel like 26.2). I will impress people with my writing(hopefully), my reading out loud, my grades, my life accomplishments, my family that seemingly never stops supporting one another. I will impress people with my control. My control of diabetes. Yes, I will have highs and lows, just like my diabetes will. I will laugh, and I will cry. I will run 5 miles, and I will sit on my couch watching Modern Family reruns. But I will overcome every sad moment and replace it with two happy ones. Because I may not be Wonder Woman, but I can still be wonderful.

Choices

In everyone's lives, there are choices. Choices that we make that change the way we think and look at things. Sometimes the choices we make are the wrong ones, sometimes the right ones. Sometimes we make choices for the wrong reasons, and sometimes we become so afraid of what will happen that we try to avoid them altogether. I myself am terrified of making the wrong choices. With every question presented to me, I panic. I feel my heart jump in my chest, and I feel my breakfast jump as well. Sometimes I think that I jump to conclusions and go with the easiest way out which, in the end, is not always so easy.
Today I had to make a hard choice. Several, actually, seeing as I just took a multiple choice test. But I had to make a choice that really was painful, although the right thing to do. At times such as these, I hate and love my diabetes. I hate it because it provides me with so many choices and questions, all of which I cannot turn down for any reason. Trust me, I've tried. I love it because it is a (semi) stable part of my life. I can always trust that diabetes will be there for me no matter what, and in a terrible way, it comforts me. When I am bombarded with all the uncertainty of life as a human being, I can always know that diabetes is the one thing in my life that will not be uncertain because it will always be there. I'm not saying that I don't want a cure. I want a cure so badly it hurts. But until that day, I can make a choice. Do I want to be at war with my diabetes every day? Or do I want to accept myself for being me, and learn to love my diabetes? Now this choice, I can answer with ease.

My Safe Haven

I hate things that are out of my control. I feel so helpless. I feel as if I now know what it's like for all the characters in stories who do nothing, and then the readers get so angry at them because the reader doesn't fully understand the situation. Sometimes I wish my life was a book. That way, at least I would know when the chapter ends and the next one begins. Diabetes is something that I can control. I control my blood sugars and insulin intake every day. When something goes wrong with either one of them, I know exactly what to do. Sometimes I think though, that I've been so focused on diabetes, that it's become who I am.
I don't know what to do in situations that aren't diabetes related. When those situations go out of control, I'm even more confused. Life can't be fixed with the press of a button, which sucks, since that's what I taught myself with diabetes. I don't even know if what I'm feeling is normal, because I'm not normal. I'm a diabetic. And yes mom, a diabetic. It may seem to be a title because it is, as is every other name in the world. For me, as much as I hate to be writing these words, it is even a safe haven. Diabetic. That single word is something that is within my control. Without that, I don't know what I'd do. What do normal people do without shots, finger pricks, tubes, pumps and needles? I can't imagine how boring that would be.
I have so much going on in my life. I play flute, sew, go to school, participate in sports, the list goes on. Teenagers always think that life should be easy. That if you get a C on a test, it will average into an A. Well guess what? That's called a fantasy. A dream that people live in. Being a teenager is the opposite if easy. Most teens cannot eat whenever they want even though we're "growing kids". Teens do not make good decisions, and we definitely don't think about how our words will affect other people, let alone our actions. I look at my life, and I am struggling with all the "normal" issues, plus diabetes. But like I said, diabetes is my safe haven. I know what to do with it. I guess it can be classified as a love-hate relationship.
There's just one more thing. Diabetes is a disease. A serious one. I have to put up with all the comments of people making fun of it as if it's no big deal. News flash, only people who know what diabetes is, and the struggle that comes with it, should be able to be sarcastic about it. It's like if your safe haven, were suddenly trashed. Your entire world caves in because the one place you thought was always going to be there, is gone. The one thing in life that you control, is ruined, even if just for a moment. Of course, when I hear these comments about my safe haven, what am I supposed to do? scream? throw a tantrum? Well, maybe I'd like to scream and throw things at whoever ruined my control, but really, think about the characters you read about in books, who take insulting words with strong control. You know when you read those scenes, and you just want to slap that character in the face and say, "Snap out of it! Do something to that terrible person who just insulted everything you live for!" Well, let me tell you, it's not as easy as it looks. But of course, I'm  a teenager, nothings easy.

Normal

A few weeks ago I went to a weekend diabetes camp. It was one of the biggest reliefs I have had in a long time. If you can imagine the feeling of having exercised, showered, read a book, walked the dogs, gone grocery shopping, cleaned the house and done everything that needed to be done in one morning. That afternoon will probably be a big relief because you know you don't have to worry or stress over the things that you just finished. It could also be a feeling similar to one on the last day of school before summer break, when you've just taken four tests and the bell had just rung. If you multiply that feeling of relief by 10, that would be what I felt like. Everyone at the camp knew what it's like to go through life every day with diabetes, and have to carry it on your shoulders without every stopping to take a rest. Even the people who didn't have diabetes, still understood extremely well. When I would tell my counselors I had a low or high blood sugar, they'd know exactly what I meant. Same with the campers. All of the kids at the camp knew exactly what I am going through. My friends and I exchanged stories about the things we hate most about diabetes. Even though it might seem like a very sad conversation, it was actually extremely entertaining to hear some of the crazy things people have gone through with diabetes. It reminded me that I'm not the only one dealing with this crazy thing. And, honestly, it was just a relief to get away from my every day routine. I was able to go on a ropes course, and while we were walking out the door to go there, a counselor handed out little baggies of carbs in case we needed them. There was a huge container of juice waiting for when we got there as well because every kid there had type 1 diabetes, just like me.

False Beliefs

I used to truly believe that scientists would find a cure. As I grow up, I try to regain that innocence. Unfortunately, now I know that diabetes is not temporary, and that there is not a solution to this equation. As hard as this is to accept for a person who is learning algebra, I took it much harder than I think anyone expected. True, people may see me and think, "Wow. She knows what she's doing with her life." or as my friend says, "Merrick, you are an old soul". Well, for those of you who see me everyday, you may see me smiling, but it seems to be more and more often an upside down smile. Even now, as I am writing about this serious matter, I am making a joke of it because what other option is there besides the one that includes crying? So yes, I go to school most days now with an upside down smile.
Some days, my numbers are great and I feel wonderful and normal because I don't have that sick feeling that is so much an unfortunate part of diabetes. Then, something happens, it could be something as small as a comment in Social Studies such as, "People back then only lived to be about 25 if they were lucky". My mind starts whirring and soon I'm shaking and trying not to cry as I think, "I'd only live to 6".
I find myself becoming more and more hostile as I am sadder and sadder. My friends have told that I am one of the nicest people they know, but I can only doubt their praise as I go home and hide in my room, refusing any human contact or communication. It is hard enough for me to conceal my sad self at school and pretend to be happy, but no one has the strength to pretend to be what they're not forever. In every book there is always someone who breaks down and reveals their deepest darkest secret. I can't afford to have that happen to me at school because then all I have worked for, such as "rising on the social ladder"  will be destroyed and I will go back to the kid who doesn't talk to anyone and hides behind her hair.
I guess one of my many challenges in life will be to keep myself happy. It's funny actually, because as a little kid, I always thought I would stay happy and clueless forever. Oh! how I wish I was right. I will just have to use my strength, and that probably means more sleep.... but I know that this task I can accomplish, because I've got my future self to keep in mind.

School

As a type 1 diabetic in school, there are struggles. At times I have to sit out of a test due to my blood sugars, or I have to leave the classroom to go to the nurse. During sports I have to walk when I have a low, and sometimes I even have to miss the practice entirely. Luckily, I am a determined person. I participated in Cross Country and was able to become captain, during tests I always make time to retake them and I talk to my teachers about what I missed during class when I have to go to the nurse. Some may say that I am being responsible, which is a way of looking at it, but really, I am trying to defy diabetes. Even though it may put setbacks in my way, whose to say that just because I have those setbacks, means I can't overcome them just like everyone else? Every day I exercise, even on days when I feel sick due to my blood sugars. On those days I reach deep within myself and ignore my diabetes for however long I need. I may be exaggerating just slightly, but some days, my life feels exaggerated. Some days my blood sugars are so bad that all I want to do is sit on my couch and stare at the wall. On days such as those, school can be a real challenge. Some days I go to school wishing I could be anywhere else in the entire world, and people notice. My teachers, friends and classmates all ask if I'm alright, and to each person I give the same answer: "I'm fine." Sometimes I don't feel fine, but people don't always understand how to react to me. They get worried that something is a big deal, when to me it's the smallest thing. Learning how to communicate with teachers and classmates as I grow up and am taken more and more seriously, is definitely something new, and if I'm going to be honest, sometimes annoying. However, it must be done. Instead of being dramatic all the time as I have grown up doing, I have to become more and more realistic when it comes to my diabetes. I can't always complain about being tired or low. I learned quite recently that I should always be prepared on field trips because the school nurse can't be responsible for everything anymore. It's scary having people worry and not understand, and I'm not used to it since my family knows nearly as much as I do about diabetes. When I tap my finger, they understand that I need to do a finger prick, and they understand words such as "meter", "strip" and "ketones". At school, I can't rely on people to know what those things mean.
Even though I love school, or enjoy school,  it has it's challenges, and as I grow up, I am beginning to learn that it doesn't have to be a nuisance for my diabetes, it can just be another adventure.