Normal

A few weeks ago I went to a weekend diabetes camp. It was one of the biggest reliefs I have had in a long time. If you can imagine the feeling of having exercised, showered, read a book, walked the dogs, gone grocery shopping, cleaned the house and done everything that needed to be done in one morning. That afternoon will probably be a big relief because you know you don't have to worry or stress over the things that you just finished. It could also be a feeling similar to one on the last day of school before summer break, when you've just taken four tests and the bell had just rung. If you multiply that feeling of relief by 10, that would be what I felt like. Everyone at the camp knew what it's like to go through life every day with diabetes, and have to carry it on your shoulders without every stopping to take a rest. Even the people who didn't have diabetes, still understood extremely well. When I would tell my counselors I had a low or high blood sugar, they'd know exactly what I meant. Same with the campers. All of the kids at the camp knew exactly what I am going through. My friends and I exchanged stories about the things we hate most about diabetes. Even though it might seem like a very sad conversation, it was actually extremely entertaining to hear some of the crazy things people have gone through with diabetes. It reminded me that I'm not the only one dealing with this crazy thing. And, honestly, it was just a relief to get away from my every day routine. I was able to go on a ropes course, and while we were walking out the door to go there, a counselor handed out little baggies of carbs in case we needed them. There was a huge container of juice waiting for when we got there as well because every kid there had type 1 diabetes, just like me.

False Beliefs

I used to truly believe that scientists would find a cure. As I grow up, I try to regain that innocence. Unfortunately, now I know that diabetes is not temporary, and that there is not a solution to this equation. As hard as this is to accept for a person who is learning algebra, I took it much harder than I think anyone expected. True, people may see me and think, "Wow. She knows what she's doing with her life." or as my friend says, "Merrick, you are an old soul". Well, for those of you who see me everyday, you may see me smiling, but it seems to be more and more often an upside down smile. Even now, as I am writing about this serious matter, I am making a joke of it because what other option is there besides the one that includes crying? So yes, I go to school most days now with an upside down smile.
Some days, my numbers are great and I feel wonderful and normal because I don't have that sick feeling that is so much an unfortunate part of diabetes. Then, something happens, it could be something as small as a comment in Social Studies such as, "People back then only lived to be about 25 if they were lucky". My mind starts whirring and soon I'm shaking and trying not to cry as I think, "I'd only live to 6".
I find myself becoming more and more hostile as I am sadder and sadder. My friends have told that I am one of the nicest people they know, but I can only doubt their praise as I go home and hide in my room, refusing any human contact or communication. It is hard enough for me to conceal my sad self at school and pretend to be happy, but no one has the strength to pretend to be what they're not forever. In every book there is always someone who breaks down and reveals their deepest darkest secret. I can't afford to have that happen to me at school because then all I have worked for, such as "rising on the social ladder"  will be destroyed and I will go back to the kid who doesn't talk to anyone and hides behind her hair.
I guess one of my many challenges in life will be to keep myself happy. It's funny actually, because as a little kid, I always thought I would stay happy and clueless forever. Oh! how I wish I was right. I will just have to use my strength, and that probably means more sleep.... but I know that this task I can accomplish, because I've got my future self to keep in mind.

School

As a type 1 diabetic in school, there are struggles. At times I have to sit out of a test due to my blood sugars, or I have to leave the classroom to go to the nurse. During sports I have to walk when I have a low, and sometimes I even have to miss the practice entirely. Luckily, I am a determined person. I participated in Cross Country and was able to become captain, during tests I always make time to retake them and I talk to my teachers about what I missed during class when I have to go to the nurse. Some may say that I am being responsible, which is a way of looking at it, but really, I am trying to defy diabetes. Even though it may put setbacks in my way, whose to say that just because I have those setbacks, means I can't overcome them just like everyone else? Every day I exercise, even on days when I feel sick due to my blood sugars. On those days I reach deep within myself and ignore my diabetes for however long I need. I may be exaggerating just slightly, but some days, my life feels exaggerated. Some days my blood sugars are so bad that all I want to do is sit on my couch and stare at the wall. On days such as those, school can be a real challenge. Some days I go to school wishing I could be anywhere else in the entire world, and people notice. My teachers, friends and classmates all ask if I'm alright, and to each person I give the same answer: "I'm fine." Sometimes I don't feel fine, but people don't always understand how to react to me. They get worried that something is a big deal, when to me it's the smallest thing. Learning how to communicate with teachers and classmates as I grow up and am taken more and more seriously, is definitely something new, and if I'm going to be honest, sometimes annoying. However, it must be done. Instead of being dramatic all the time as I have grown up doing, I have to become more and more realistic when it comes to my diabetes. I can't always complain about being tired or low. I learned quite recently that I should always be prepared on field trips because the school nurse can't be responsible for everything anymore. It's scary having people worry and not understand, and I'm not used to it since my family knows nearly as much as I do about diabetes. When I tap my finger, they understand that I need to do a finger prick, and they understand words such as "meter", "strip" and "ketones". At school, I can't rely on people to know what those things mean.
Even though I love school, or enjoy school,  it has it's challenges, and as I grow up, I am beginning to learn that it doesn't have to be a nuisance for my diabetes, it can just be another adventure.

Dreams

Most kids have huge imaginations when they are younger. Those imaginations can last indefinitely, but as kids grow up, they start to think about ways that their dreams could come true. For instance, I love to read a book and imagine myself as the character so that I can better understand the story and the characters. Unfortunately, I also begin to wonder what life would be like if I actually was able to enter the world in the book. I imagine the struggles I would undertake and how I would survive in the world of fantasy. My diabetes seems to come into play a lot recently with each book I read and each world I imagine visiting. If I were to say, travel into the world of Harry Potter, I would be fine because it is based in recent years where the technology for insulin pumps and such were invented. If I were to travel to the world of Narnia however, they wouldn't have the technology in Narnia. I would die within days. Now, even though this is all fantasy and imagination, it's still a huge thing to think about, at least for me. Traveling to different worlds from stories is what I love to fantasize about, some people my age might fantasize about their future jobs or becoming a famous football player or model, but I fantasize about books. To have those fantasies crushed by diabetes is too hard to accept, so I have to improvise. If I am going to a book full of magic, I like to think that I can be cured of my diabetes for good, or that in the realm of books, diabetes doesn't exist. Yet, somehow, diabetes always manages to seep back into my dreams. Unfortunately, this is just one thing that I, as a diabetic, must deal with. I don't know if other diabetics deal with dreams and imagination, but I'm sure they have their own struggles as everyone does. I like to think that if I didn't have diabetes, my life would be easy, but really, besides finger pricks and injections, would it really make me happier? Maybe, but I can't know until I am cured.

Misunderstood

At some point in everyones lives, there comes a time when you feel alone. Not just the empty room alone, but the room full of people alone, where you think no one understands you. If you've been lucky enough to never have had this feeling, then savor it. I've had this feeling so many times I've lost count. Most of the time it's because something happens having to do with my type 1 diabetes. Tonight, I had just gotten home from a birthday party with all my friends, I was so happy and just content with life. Then I got into a conversation with my mom about when I could get my next insulin pump. For some reason, the whole conversation just annoyed me. I had just changed my insulin site and my insulin reservoir in my pump, and I think that it all got the best of me. I went upstairs to my room, and bent over to pick something off my floor. While I was doing this I pulled my insulin site and then I broke. How does anyone expect a teenager to deal with all of life's problems and then grow up with diabetes?  I think that it's hardest at school when I get the questions. There are the classic remarks such as, "What's on your arm?" Sometimes the person asking uses a snotty "I know everything" voice, and sometimes the person is genuinely interested and I appreciate when they are. But the other day I got a new remark. A girl whose locker is next to mine lightly bumped into me as I was putting my jacket on and said, "Oh my god! Are you ok? I get so nervous around you and I don't want to hurt your tubing thing. I would just die if I pulled it out of your arm!" I almost punched her. She would die? Try living with it.
What am I supposed to do in those situations? I guess even if someone were to tell me the answer, I wouldn't listen. It's one of those uncomfortable situations that you have to deal with on your own, even though it may be hard. As a diabetic in middle school, sometimes theres the prejudice about how all younger people think that diabetes means being over weight or pregnant. So it can sometimes be hard, especially because I know that type 1 and type 2 diabetes are both extremely hard diseases to deal with, and some people don't understand that, they think it's a joke but it's not, it's real. I am living proof. Not just of the disease, but of the struggles and overcoming them.

Thanksgiving

As a type 1 diabetic, it may sometimes seem as if there is not much to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. The question comes to my mind of why me? Why was I diagnosed and not someone else? I don't remember being especially bad when I was little, so why would some greater power want to punish me with this permanent disease? While I think of this, I feel it may be unfair for me to be complaining. I have relative control of my diabetes, and sure, people do sometimes ask rude questions and make rude remarks, but if that is what I have to suffer, then it's not half bad. There are kids my age in the world who don't even have the option to go the doctor every 3 months. So the fact that I have to, maybe isn't as annoying as I sometimes think it to be. This Thanksgiving I tried to forget about my diabetes. I was even told that "Carbs don't count on Thanksgiving." I wish that were true, but in a way it can. If I accept who I am, and recognize everything good in my life, then the fact that carbs are always on my mind, doesn't have to be a punishment. It can just be one more thing to be thankful for.