Choices

In everyone's lives, there are choices. Choices that we make that change the way we think and look at things. Sometimes the choices we make are the wrong ones, sometimes the right ones. Sometimes we make choices for the wrong reasons, and sometimes we become so afraid of what will happen that we try to avoid them altogether. I myself am terrified of making the wrong choices. With every question presented to me, I panic. I feel my heart jump in my chest, and I feel my breakfast jump as well. Sometimes I think that I jump to conclusions and go with the easiest way out which, in the end, is not always so easy.
Today I had to make a hard choice. Several, actually, seeing as I just took a multiple choice test. But I had to make a choice that really was painful, although the right thing to do. At times such as these, I hate and love my diabetes. I hate it because it provides me with so many choices and questions, all of which I cannot turn down for any reason. Trust me, I've tried. I love it because it is a (semi) stable part of my life. I can always trust that diabetes will be there for me no matter what, and in a terrible way, it comforts me. When I am bombarded with all the uncertainty of life as a human being, I can always know that diabetes is the one thing in my life that will not be uncertain because it will always be there. I'm not saying that I don't want a cure. I want a cure so badly it hurts. But until that day, I can make a choice. Do I want to be at war with my diabetes every day? Or do I want to accept myself for being me, and learn to love my diabetes? Now this choice, I can answer with ease.

My Safe Haven

I hate things that are out of my control. I feel so helpless. I feel as if I now know what it's like for all the characters in stories who do nothing, and then the readers get so angry at them because the reader doesn't fully understand the situation. Sometimes I wish my life was a book. That way, at least I would know when the chapter ends and the next one begins. Diabetes is something that I can control. I control my blood sugars and insulin intake every day. When something goes wrong with either one of them, I know exactly what to do. Sometimes I think though, that I've been so focused on diabetes, that it's become who I am.
I don't know what to do in situations that aren't diabetes related. When those situations go out of control, I'm even more confused. Life can't be fixed with the press of a button, which sucks, since that's what I taught myself with diabetes. I don't even know if what I'm feeling is normal, because I'm not normal. I'm a diabetic. And yes mom, a diabetic. It may seem to be a title because it is, as is every other name in the world. For me, as much as I hate to be writing these words, it is even a safe haven. Diabetic. That single word is something that is within my control. Without that, I don't know what I'd do. What do normal people do without shots, finger pricks, tubes, pumps and needles? I can't imagine how boring that would be.
I have so much going on in my life. I play flute, sew, go to school, participate in sports, the list goes on. Teenagers always think that life should be easy. That if you get a C on a test, it will average into an A. Well guess what? That's called a fantasy. A dream that people live in. Being a teenager is the opposite if easy. Most teens cannot eat whenever they want even though we're "growing kids". Teens do not make good decisions, and we definitely don't think about how our words will affect other people, let alone our actions. I look at my life, and I am struggling with all the "normal" issues, plus diabetes. But like I said, diabetes is my safe haven. I know what to do with it. I guess it can be classified as a love-hate relationship.
There's just one more thing. Diabetes is a disease. A serious one. I have to put up with all the comments of people making fun of it as if it's no big deal. News flash, only people who know what diabetes is, and the struggle that comes with it, should be able to be sarcastic about it. It's like if your safe haven, were suddenly trashed. Your entire world caves in because the one place you thought was always going to be there, is gone. The one thing in life that you control, is ruined, even if just for a moment. Of course, when I hear these comments about my safe haven, what am I supposed to do? scream? throw a tantrum? Well, maybe I'd like to scream and throw things at whoever ruined my control, but really, think about the characters you read about in books, who take insulting words with strong control. You know when you read those scenes, and you just want to slap that character in the face and say, "Snap out of it! Do something to that terrible person who just insulted everything you live for!" Well, let me tell you, it's not as easy as it looks. But of course, I'm  a teenager, nothings easy.