Normal

A few weeks ago I went to a weekend diabetes camp. It was one of the biggest reliefs I have had in a long time. If you can imagine the feeling of having exercised, showered, read a book, walked the dogs, gone grocery shopping, cleaned the house and done everything that needed to be done in one morning. That afternoon will probably be a big relief because you know you don't have to worry or stress over the things that you just finished. It could also be a feeling similar to one on the last day of school before summer break, when you've just taken four tests and the bell had just rung. If you multiply that feeling of relief by 10, that would be what I felt like. Everyone at the camp knew what it's like to go through life every day with diabetes, and have to carry it on your shoulders without every stopping to take a rest. Even the people who didn't have diabetes, still understood extremely well. When I would tell my counselors I had a low or high blood sugar, they'd know exactly what I meant. Same with the campers. All of the kids at the camp knew exactly what I am going through. My friends and I exchanged stories about the things we hate most about diabetes. Even though it might seem like a very sad conversation, it was actually extremely entertaining to hear some of the crazy things people have gone through with diabetes. It reminded me that I'm not the only one dealing with this crazy thing. And, honestly, it was just a relief to get away from my every day routine. I was able to go on a ropes course, and while we were walking out the door to go there, a counselor handed out little baggies of carbs in case we needed them. There was a huge container of juice waiting for when we got there as well because every kid there had type 1 diabetes, just like me.

False Beliefs

I used to truly believe that scientists would find a cure. As I grow up, I try to regain that innocence. Unfortunately, now I know that diabetes is not temporary, and that there is not a solution to this equation. As hard as this is to accept for a person who is learning algebra, I took it much harder than I think anyone expected. True, people may see me and think, "Wow. She knows what she's doing with her life." or as my friend says, "Merrick, you are an old soul". Well, for those of you who see me everyday, you may see me smiling, but it seems to be more and more often an upside down smile. Even now, as I am writing about this serious matter, I am making a joke of it because what other option is there besides the one that includes crying? So yes, I go to school most days now with an upside down smile.
Some days, my numbers are great and I feel wonderful and normal because I don't have that sick feeling that is so much an unfortunate part of diabetes. Then, something happens, it could be something as small as a comment in Social Studies such as, "People back then only lived to be about 25 if they were lucky". My mind starts whirring and soon I'm shaking and trying not to cry as I think, "I'd only live to 6".
I find myself becoming more and more hostile as I am sadder and sadder. My friends have told that I am one of the nicest people they know, but I can only doubt their praise as I go home and hide in my room, refusing any human contact or communication. It is hard enough for me to conceal my sad self at school and pretend to be happy, but no one has the strength to pretend to be what they're not forever. In every book there is always someone who breaks down and reveals their deepest darkest secret. I can't afford to have that happen to me at school because then all I have worked for, such as "rising on the social ladder"  will be destroyed and I will go back to the kid who doesn't talk to anyone and hides behind her hair.
I guess one of my many challenges in life will be to keep myself happy. It's funny actually, because as a little kid, I always thought I would stay happy and clueless forever. Oh! how I wish I was right. I will just have to use my strength, and that probably means more sleep.... but I know that this task I can accomplish, because I've got my future self to keep in mind.