False Beliefs

I used to truly believe that scientists would find a cure. As I grow up, I try to regain that innocence. Unfortunately, now I know that diabetes is not temporary, and that there is not a solution to this equation. As hard as this is to accept for a person who is learning algebra, I took it much harder than I think anyone expected. True, people may see me and think, "Wow. She knows what she's doing with her life." or as my friend says, "Merrick, you are an old soul". Well, for those of you who see me everyday, you may see me smiling, but it seems to be more and more often an upside down smile. Even now, as I am writing about this serious matter, I am making a joke of it because what other option is there besides the one that includes crying? So yes, I go to school most days now with an upside down smile.
Some days, my numbers are great and I feel wonderful and normal because I don't have that sick feeling that is so much an unfortunate part of diabetes. Then, something happens, it could be something as small as a comment in Social Studies such as, "People back then only lived to be about 25 if they were lucky". My mind starts whirring and soon I'm shaking and trying not to cry as I think, "I'd only live to 6".
I find myself becoming more and more hostile as I am sadder and sadder. My friends have told that I am one of the nicest people they know, but I can only doubt their praise as I go home and hide in my room, refusing any human contact or communication. It is hard enough for me to conceal my sad self at school and pretend to be happy, but no one has the strength to pretend to be what they're not forever. In every book there is always someone who breaks down and reveals their deepest darkest secret. I can't afford to have that happen to me at school because then all I have worked for, such as "rising on the social ladder"  will be destroyed and I will go back to the kid who doesn't talk to anyone and hides behind her hair.
I guess one of my many challenges in life will be to keep myself happy. It's funny actually, because as a little kid, I always thought I would stay happy and clueless forever. Oh! how I wish I was right. I will just have to use my strength, and that probably means more sleep.... but I know that this task I can accomplish, because I've got my future self to keep in mind.